Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Anger wears at your soul

Eventually it all becomes too much, you can only fight for so long, you can only hold onto anger and resentment before it starts eating away at you, before it effects your life and your happiness. When you eventually stop and look at yourself you realise you became just as bad as the people who betrayed you to begin with and then you left with the guilt and shame of not being who you truly are.

I was hurt, I had my heart ripped out and torn into pieces, then those pieces were burnt and stomped on, and as I was recovering and getting okay again, the process happened all over again. The second time round, I thought screw forgiveness, screw understanding and patience; you will hurt as bad as I did, I will make sure of it. 

When need be I can be a bitch straight from the gates of a burning hell, I have words that will cut you where nobody should even tread. That's what I did, but when I saw the pain in his eyes and the hopelessness the last time round, I knew the war was over, the fight had been won and it wasn't as fun as I thought it would be.

Things are bad enough and the situation is bad enough without Aiden's parents constantly being at each other’s throats for no other reason but because we both stubborn ass's who have to be right. At the end of the day it's better to have his father there no matter how little or how much, no matter the money situation or what others think.

Truth be told, the situation is trickier than normal, my life has been hard but so has everyone else's.  At some point you have to put your big girl panties on and just deal with what it is, you have to forget what was, what happened and deal with what will be because that is your choice, you can still make things right for the future of your child.

Aiden's father is there a hell of a lot more than other dad's, he wants to be in Aiden’s life and he has even started helping with school fee's and brings a lot more stuff than before, that's what I wanted, that's what I asked for, so now it's my turn to show good faith and hold up my deal of the bargain. 

But also, I'm tired, I'm tired of a 'she said, he said' lifestyle, I'm tired of fighting about who bought that purity and who paid for that wet wipe, I'm tired of stressing about Aiden's birthday party and tired of planning on how far away I can get before I am happy again. I'll never be happy till I choose it and my son will always be between the two of us and constantly be in an environment where it's hostile and anxiety ridden.

I am waving the white flag, I am taking myself out of the war, and I’m taking all that energy and focusing it on my son and my work. I know it's not going to be easy, I know I can't take back the things I said or the tears I created, I know the road is going to be long and rocky but one day at time and one step at a time, the journey can at least be a good one, with a lot more smiling.


  1. Here's a big hug and sweetie, you are doing (the very touh) but right thing. Just make sure you do not resent it later.

  2. Go you! Well done on those big girl pants! :-)