And the fact that it's normal is even more sad.
Although I have accepted my life and situation and I think I do a superb job as a single mom and because I have never known any different I don't really have anything to compare it to but there is still this pain. I think it's pain from knowing this is going to hurt my child and it's confusing because I'll just never understand how you can not want to be a part of your child's life and not willingly want to support your child financially, emotionally and physically.
There is also a bond with the father of your child, I'm hoping it grows less with time, I in no shape or form have any feelings left for D, I don't even have respect for him and most days I don't really even like the person he is but he's still A's father and there probably will always be a piece of me that wishes he would care more for A, I will always care for his well being and I truly hope he sorts his life out and I will also always have a sense of anger towards him for doing what's he's done without a smidgen of guilt.
One of the most irritating things as a single mom to hear is woman with husbands or partners say they are exactly like single moms, I agree motherhood it's hard all around and I am far from being hard done by and I have an amazing support structure but I am still going at this alone. It's not necessarily the amount of nappies their men changes (just remember one he does is one more than a single mom) but it's having that someone to lean on, to share with and also having that one person who understands when you say your child's a monster because he's teething, that person understands exactly what you mean and what you going through, because well you are not alone.
With this being said, I have thought a lot about marriage, I can't stand here and say I will never do it, I said that with kids and look where I am now but I don't know any more if it's the "right" way of doing things or at least maybe not the "normal" way of doing things any more.
I was thinking in order for me to correct the mess I made and the situation A is growing up in, I need to look for a husband and a mortgage and to show A the right way of doing things is by doing that. I'm not so sure any more. I'm not sure that just because that's normal that it is 100% right. I don't think there is a right way or a wrong way to have a family. Family is about love and care and support and encouragement and A has that, A has that in buckets full.
I'm doing the parenting thing alone and yes it's hard but it doesn't mean it's wrong and it doesn't mean I have less in life, it just means I'm not what society defines as a conventional family and I'm okay with that.