Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Doing it alone

Out of all the woman I know who have kids most are single moms or have been a single mom at some stage, either through divorce, the father leaving when they fell pregnant and some even walking away after they have held their beautiful baby.

It's sad.

And the fact that it's normal is even more sad.

Although I have accepted my life and situation and I think I do a superb job as a single mom and because I have never known any different I don't really have anything to compare it to but there is still this pain. I think it's pain from knowing this is going to hurt my child and it's confusing because I'll just never understand how you can not want to be a part of your child's life and not willingly want to support your child financially, emotionally and physically. 

There is also a bond with the father of your child, I'm hoping it grows less with time, I in no shape or form have any feelings left for D, I don't even have respect for him and most days I don't really even like the person he is but he's still A's father and there probably will always be a piece of me that wishes he would care more for A, I will always care for his well being and I truly hope he sorts his life out and I will also always have a sense of anger towards him for doing what's he's done without a smidgen of guilt. 

One of the most irritating things as a single mom to hear is woman with husbands or partners say they are exactly like single moms, I agree motherhood it's hard all around and I am far from being hard done by and I have an amazing support structure but I am still going at this alone. It's not necessarily the amount of nappies their men changes (just remember one he does is one more than a single mom) but it's having that someone to lean on, to share with and also having that one person who understands when you say your child's a monster because he's teething, that person understands exactly what you mean and what you going through, because well you are not alone.

With this being said, I have thought a lot about marriage, I can't stand here and say I will never do it, I said that with kids and look where I am now but I don't know any more if it's the "right" way of doing things or at least maybe not the "normal" way of doing things any more. 

I was thinking in order for me to correct the mess I made and the situation A is growing up in, I need to look for a husband and a mortgage and to show A the right way of doing things is by doing that. I'm not so sure any more. I'm not sure that just because that's normal that it is 100% right. I don't think there is a right way or a wrong way to have a family. Family is about love and care and support and encouragement and A has that, A has that in buckets full. 

I'm doing the parenting thing alone and yes it's hard but it doesn't mean it's wrong and it doesn't mean I have less in life, it just means I'm not what society defines as a conventional family and I'm okay with that.


  1. Jess. I don't comment here nearly as often as I should. I hurt for you because I can understand the ache that you're feeling because you are not sharing your journey of parenthood with a life companion - having a child is so much more than nappy changes and midnight feeds. It's an endless stream of pearls; little things - like the way your son's hair curls at the nape of his neck when it's wet. It's the wonder of these tiny details that no one else cares about; but as a mother or a father they are fascinating, miraculous even. To not have someone to share these Polaroids of parenthood with is a joy you have been robbed of and you deserve better. I do believe strongly that the traditional family unit is a thing of the past. Mom, Dad and two kids around the dinner table is a rare thing; and we've adapted to a new kind a family. And you and your loved ones are a beautiful, shining example of that. Your son has something infinitely precious in you and your mom. You should be proud.

  2. Oh my gosh,you just made me sob seven ways to Sunday :) thank you for that, you put into words what I have struggled to and explained my pain to the tee!

  3. Amen to everything you and Stacey Vee said.