I never even vaguely understood motherhood before I had my own. I was naive, I was selfish, I was young and I was completely unaware of what it meant and what it is to be a mother. I saw it as just something people did, crazy people did, crazy people who didn't have lives had children. I never understood the love or the relationship you had with your children
And now having Aiden I can't even begin to explain what motherhood is to any one else. I can't explain to my childless friends why it's the best thing that's ever happened, that I don't care that I can't go out till 4am, that it's okay that my body isn't 100% any more.
I can't find the words to explain why all the pain and betrayal was worth it. I can't explain why sacrificing my dream career in fashion doesn't even phase me. I can't tell you why a year with out sleep is torture but it's perfect torture.
The other night Aiden was on full blown over excitement and he was jumping around like a mad thing, I turned my attention for one second maybe even less and Aiden did a running, crawl, two-step wonder and flew off the bed, I have never moved so fast in my life, I saw him hit his head and roll over and land scrunch up, legs leaning on the cupboard. I was so worried he had hurt his neck, that he was concussed and I felt like the worst mother alive.
I sobbed and he sobbed and he calmed down and I sobbed some more, and some more and more.
My sister in turn was more worried about me than Aiden and she kept repeating, he is okay. She couldn't understand why I was so upset and I couldn't tell her.
I couldn't explain that this little boy fills my soul, that when he hurts I hurt, that if anything happened to this little being I could never carry on in life.
The only way I could say it was...
Aiden is my heart.