Dear Aiden

You had your first operation done the other day, they cut out a little ball of gross stuff that had been sitting above your eye since you were only 6 weeks old. I was so scared for you to go under and hadn't slept well weeks before your operation and I sat there with tears in my eyes the entire time you were gone behind those doors. You were so brave and you took it better than any of us thought. Just an hour after surgery you were running around like a mad thing as if nothing had even happened. You got 3 stitches and when you woke up the next morning you had a huge swollen black eye, very hard walking around with you looking like that, everybody just looked at us as if we had been beating you. It's just another small thing we have gone through together, survived together and another great story to tell. You fill my life we so many of these and I treasure all these moments no matter if the painful or scary or those of pure joy, they in my heart and will be forever more.

Dear Aiden

My boy we are so blessed to have such amazing people in our lives, that love and support us, who encourage us and keep us going. Always remember that it doesn't matter how much money you have, what job you keep and what material objects you possess what is really important are the people around you. The ones that are always there no matter what. Your family that God gave you and the family you choose of friends and loved ones.

We celebrated Easter and my birthday this Sunday with a few of those special people and how they spoiled us and made us feel on top of the world.

Where do fairy-tales begin

As a little girl you dream of Prince Charming, you dream of your white dress, your little house with a picket fence or electric fencing and laser beams, you dream of a puppy or a little pink pig, you dream of having 2 children, you dream of happy Christmas mornings and family Easter egg hunts, you dream of picnic's and soccer games, you dream of the fairy-tale.

You don't dream of falling pregnant, abortion discussions, runaway dads, lonely pregnancy and being a single mom. You don't dream of the battle of bringing in two salaries, constant fear of more rejection and you sure as hell don't dream of having to fight for an innocent little person who you love more than life itself, you don't dream of being scared of loosing your child, you don't dream of the threats of having your baby taken away from you, you don't dream of custody battles, it's not only not a dream, it's not even a possibility, something so unnatural to a woman, to a mother, to a little girl, is unfathomable.

Yet here I sit in my worst nightmare, my stomach is in constant knots, my brain won't turn off for a second, my anxiety levels have sky rocketed and my heart feels like it is constantly in a state of heart break. It's only the beginning and I am already having to dig deep down to find the strength to fight this, finding the emotional stability not to loose it and wanting nothing more than to wake up and for this all to be over.

I would have another baby for this

When Aiden was born one of my pet peeves was bottles, making them, constantly cleaning hundreds of them, sterilizing them, scooping at 2am, dropping tins of formula on my toes and loosing half the product at 4am, carrying an over night bag just to go to Spur because you need a whole scientific kit to make a babies bottle. 

I went to a launch last week, definitely a one of the best I've been to so far, it was all fancy schmancy and it was fun being treated like we mattered for a while before we had to go home to dirty diapers and bottle making.

Basically Aspen is launching a new miracle in a mothers life, a Ready-to-feed formula, yip you read right, it's made for you, in individual 200ml servings, it's genius, I would seriously have another baby just so I could try it out and feel the convenience of not trying to count scoops at 1am.

The Damage that is Done

I have had my heart broken on numerous occasions, I have lost true love and have given up countless years but nothing has quite damaged my heart and faith in men as having the father of my child abandon us.

It doesn't feel like heart break, it never really did, we weren't going out for long enough for it to really be love but it hurt like no other pain, it was the ultimate betrayal and it took me a while to be ready to move on.

And only now that I have moved on have I realised the damage that has been done. The way in which my trust has been broken, the way in which my soul has been beaten.

I have irrational daily fears, fears that one shouldn't have because in a normal world real people and real men do not do those things.

They don't just up and leave with no word, it’s normally a build-up and there's a discussion yet here I sit and worry if I'll ever see him again.

Normal people don't send a text saying "enjoy your decision" and then that’s it, so why when I hear my phone going off do I not get excited that it might be a 'melt my heart' text instead  my heart sinks thinking it’s the final word.

Real men love and adore their children not walk away so why when this one tells me he truly cares for my son do I second guess that for another truth that only lies in my head.

Forever scares me or maybe I just can't see it anymore even though it's what I really desire. My stomach drops every time the word love leaves my lips for the fear of rejection still feels so close.

I try hard to explain to people why I took it so hard, why I am still so angry but I can't quite put it into words and mostly because the pain isn't mine, the pain I carry is that of my child, the pain I know he will feel, I carry that in my heart and will every day until forever, and that's a forever I do understand.

Something Light...it's Monday after all!

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your doctor confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Dummy:

1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Nappies:

1st baby: You change your baby's nappy every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his pocket money.

Pass this on to everyone you know who has children. . . Or everyone who KNOWS someone
who has had children .
(The older the mother, the funnier this is!)

GRANDCHILDREN:
GOD's reward for allowing your children to live!

Things you should never say to a single mom

I often avoid talking about my situation by all costs because people are bound to say every sentence that makes me sick to my stomach and if not nauseous, it either hurts or leaves me feeling inadequate. Maybe lots are meant with good intentions but I am baffled that so many people don't think before they speak.

1. Where's the dad? Does he pay? Is he involved?
It's always first on the list, it's often six quick questions in succession that people expect you to explain not thinking this might be a touchy subject or something that's personal that I don't feel like explaining to every stranger I meet. In time I will tell people about it but in general, no I don't want to talk about it, he's an ass, who cares where he is.

2. I don't know how you do it? (with a look of utter pity on your face)
I do it just like you do it, now if you said this without the pity face it probably wouldn't irritate me so much because I don't need pity, I need HELP people.

3. You look so exhausted, it's because you alone/it's because you never get 'you' time.
This is probably something you shouldn't tell any mother, we know we look tired but reminding me I'm alone is just plan mean and don't tell me I need 'me' time, offer to babysit.

4. Don't worry you will find somebody to love you again?
This baffles me, I mean really, I'm a mother not a leper, I have a kid not a demonic plague.

5. My partner/husband works late/travels a lot, I know how you feel?
5.5 My partner/husband doesn't help much, I'm basically a single mom.
5.6 There's no difference between a single mom and married mom.
No, no you don't and no you not. One nappy change, one bottle made and one pee alone that your man gives you, is one more than a single mom ever gets. Doing it alone every day, all day, without a minute of someone helping you cannot be compared to a day your husband worked late or a few days he went away for travel. Oh and it has a lot more to do with emotional support and sharing an experience than the physical aspects.

6. Men that rape and beat woman are products of a single-mom home!
What the actual f*ck, I'm not even going to sit and explain why this shouldn't be said because if you don't get it then I would actually prefer it if you just don't talk to me all together.

7. Why didn't you get an abortion?
Another one that I just don't get, especially when people say it in front of my beautiful boy.

8. Did you not think of adoption?
Don't you think I'm doing a good job.

9. If more woman fought for maintenance less men would leave/it would make a difference/they shouldn't complain if the don't fight.
Honestly if you haven't been in the situation you have absolutely no idea the war we fight on the inside every day wondering what is the right decision for our child. We can complain because a human being shouldn't abandon their child, it won't make a difference because men leave the responsibility and it is rather easy to work your way around maintenance court and because some of us are not ready just yet to start yet another war in our lives.

10. I feel so sorry for your child.
Don't, he's fine, he will be fine, he has a loving family, I'm a good mom.

The one lots have been waiting for

I decided from the beginning that I would not discuss my relationship on this platform, as much as people want to know and as helpful as it could be to other single moms in the dating world, I am choosing to keep it private, you just need to know I am happy and extremely lucky and Aiden is happy and that's what matters.

I will say this...

It is not as easy as lets fall madly in love, rob a bank and run away together unless you remember the camper cot.

Relationships and nights out are arranged around babysitters and unforeseen illnesses.

My back is in a lot less pain thanks to the fact that I now have help with carrying around my extra being.

I now have someone hearing me swear under my breath at 2am because Aiden won't sleep and that alone feels amazing.

I have been spoilt with being able to drink my coffee in the morning in peace, I often get to pee alone and I have spent many a Sunday lying on a blanket outside while Aiden is occupied.

I have someone listening to me cry because Aiden is just becoming to much, I have someone listening when I'm worried about doctors visits, I have someone listening about teething issues and cake n candy sales, well we never sure if men are listening but I am no longer having conversations to myself about all that stuff.

There is someone playing cars with Aiden and making manly car sounds (I don't do it right, apparently)

We haven't nailed the dirty diapers yet but we are in no rush.

Dear Aiden

You always have to be looking for the rainbow, you have to always have a little faith, you have to always be able to dance in the rain, you have to always appreciate the small things and you have to always keep going.

I will easily admit that at the best of times I can be a pessimist, I often would much rather pull the duvet back over my head and not face the day and my current problems. It's easier. It's less scary. And there's no room for failure that way.

But in all honesty it's failing in one easy step.

Because at the end of the day, things might be tough right now but I have, you have, we all have at least seven things we can be truly grateful for and those seven things are what I keep reminding myself of and those seven things keep me getting up in the morning and keep me ambitious and strong and brave.

My love you are always number one on that list and always the best reminder of how lucky I am in life and you are always a reason to keep going and keep trying.

The rest of the list in our life's right now my boy are...

our great family that help us on a daily basis,
a great man who loves us and keeps mommy laughing,
good friends that are always there with a shoulder to cry on,
I'm very blessed with a company that constantly provides for us,
you passed all medical tests,
and we looking at moving into our own home.

I can't promise you mommy is going to be sunshine and butterflies every day but every thing I do, I do it for you.

Back in the deep end

I've come to realize being a mother is kind of like being at school, just as you have finally gotten the grade down like a champ and you acing tests and are top of your class, that grade is over and they send you to the next level which throws you off course and you spend months trying to figure it all out again and as soon as you do, their they go and push you to the next grade again.

Only difference is in school you get textbooks and teachers and rules on what is right and what is wrong.

I thought I had finally gotten the swing of this whole parenting thing, I was surviving it and most days I even felt like I was doing a great job. Aiden was finally sleeping through, at any point it was bed time/nap time I would put him in his cot, close the door and he would go to sleep quietly. He was happy and friendly and didn't whine.

And then I was upgraded.

I am back to waking a good few times a night.

He fights nap time.

Fights bath time.

Throws tantrums.

Screams for you to pick him up.

Throws toys at you.

Pinches.

Bites.

Smacks.

Refuses to get dressed.

Runs away if it involves anything that means routine.

I'm back to hiding in the bathroom with a bottle of wine.

I know at some point I need to stop and reevaluate this stage in my sons life and make quick adjustments to his routine and discipline in order to survive and in order for him not to get any worse but sometimes motherhood just kicks you in the ass, single motherhood is starting to show it's true hardships and I somehow have found myself in the deep end again, swimming slowly back to where I can stand.

No words only memories

A Tear to shed

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked,

"God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said, "When I made the woman she had to be special.

I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart the

place where love resides."

Tempting

Finding the right words

I have so many half written posts saved up in my drafts, in my journals, in my little note books lying around. They all about something different but in the end boil down to the same sad truth. I'm trying not to come across as sounding angry or bitter, hurt or sad, happy and revengeful, I'm just trying to write it as it is but in a way that when and if Aiden ever reads any of this he is not hurt by it and will understand my choices.

I'm not quite sure when woman raising children completely on their own became so normal, not sure where it became a normal conversation to have when your answer is, "Oh, he bailed when I said pregnant." I'm not sure when men were raised and made to feel this is okay, it's just your flesh and blood, it's okay to walk away, it's okay to hurt an innocent child just because you are selfish and a fool.

I was once told my by sperm donor that he knows I'm strong enough to do it on my own, he knows I earn enough money to pay for my child on my own and he knows I have a great family who will give me the support I need, fair enough, I can raise a child on my own, I have proven it so far but that doesn't make what he has done right.

I sit and I see so many woman in the same position but a lot not as lucky as me and I sit and watch the struggle, I hear the tears and I see the exhaustion and the desperation for a helping hand.

I sit and wonder what I will tell Aiden one day, how do I explain it, how do I make him know it wasn't his fault, how do I make him believe it's not because he is any less worthy than the next person. Right now all I can say is, my love...

It's not okay!

It's not okay that your father isn't around.
It's not okay that he doesn't help financially.
It's not okay that he's not there at night to chase away monsters.
It's not okay that he's never heard any of your first words.
It's not okay that he hasn't seen you run and kick a ball.
It's not okay that he's not at the doctors or helping the sleepless nights.
It's not okay that you don't know his face.
It's not okay that his family won't stop to help.
It's not okay that he won't teach you to ride a bike.
It's not okay that he doesn't know your favourite foods.
And doesn't know your laugh.
Your smile.
Your kind eyes.
Your daily quirks.

It's not okay and I am sorry.

And I know that that will not take the pain away and the wonder and the curiosity but I do know that you will be okay, we'll be okay.

You die a little inside

After you read this post or actually stop reading this post, go and hug your little ones and hold them tight, tell them you love them and appreciate every second of it because you don't know what tomorrow may bring.

The last 24 hours have been the hardest 24 hours of my life and I'm not saying that out of exaggeration or because I'm emotional drained, I am saying that because for the past 24 hours I have felt dead inside, I walked around and gone about things but everything just felt like it was moving, people were talking but I wasn't really hearing what they were saying, it didn't matter if it wasn't for sure, it didn't matter if we could fight it, it didn't matter about treatment and other recovery stories.

I was told in a one word answer that I might not get to watch my child grow up, that I will probably out live him, that I will have to watch him suffer time and time again, my life would be cut short because my heart might not have his life in full.

Lymphoma.

I can't even begin to describe the pain, how your heart just stops, how nothing else seems to matter and how you know, there is no way you could go on with life without that little being smiling at you in the morning.

All you can think of is his laugh, his smile, his bright eyes, how he holds your hand when he feels unsure, how he sticks out his belly to be tickled, how he dances to just about any beat, how his face lights up when he plays drums, how he smells, how he hugs his pillow when he sleeps, you just stop and realize  he is your life and he is the only thing that matters and that you would give up everything just to save him from any harm.

I have never been so scared in my entire life and a day waiting to see a doctor has never gone so slowly.

I have never felt so helpless.

I have never prayed so hard.

I have never bargained with God to take me instead.

I have never felt so empty.

And I have never felt so happy when the doctor turned to say, he's in the clear.

We might still not know what's wrong but I can live with the unknown better than a reality of thinking I might not have him forever.

The Wait

On our holiday little A got a lot of scraps and bruises and he kept hurting the same spots so they kept getting worse. He then got a few blisters that turned into infected sores, I brushed it off as a boy being a boy.

When we got back home, slowly his mosquito bites started opening up and becoming uzzing sores and basically it looks like my child is rotting. Off to the doctor we go, when your GP is puzzled and says she wants to rather be safe than sorry, your heart drops and you think of all the things you could of done differently, what you did wrong, what it will mean if something is seriously wrong.

I was sent to the lab immediately for blood work to check for PIDD's (Primary Immune Deficiency Disorder) and to check his White Blood Cell count. I know never to research what a test is until you know the results but I'm a mom, its my job to worry, to know what might possibly hurt my child and what might possibly come our way.

So now I sit and wait, and I sit and pray that when the results come back tomorrow they are all clear and my little A just has a bad case of zombie rots. And I also sit and wait and prepare my heart and mind for if the results come back with bad news and we have to fight a life long illness.

My minds racing and my heart is hurting and I'm wishing I could take all the pain and suffering my child will ever face onto myself.

 

I'm a survivor

I have officially survived my first round of school holidays.

I never understood growing up why I always heard moms moan about school holidays, why on earth would any one not want school holidays or want them shorter. I now know why.

Don't get me wrong I love the festive season and I love spending them with my boy however the last 3 weeks have been the most tiring and sent me to breaking point a good few times.

It didn't help that we worked right through and so my entire family have been stuck in the house the whole time and after a week we were all sick of each other and passing A to who ever was willing to do the next hour and all counting down the days till 7 January when A would start school again.

7 January finally came around and A was up at his usual 5.30, I hunted for school bags and communication books and got him looking all handsome for his first day of school and I was beyond ecstatic to get him there at opening and come home and crawl into bed and hibernate for the day.

I drove into the school, a deserted parking lot stood before me and my heart sank. I parked my car and just stared at the closed doors and couldn't believe how I got the date wrong. I looked back at A and looked back at the door and just broke. Yes I cried, I cried that I had to spend another full day looking after my child because I will easily admit I am no superwoman and I am tired, emotionally, physically and mentally.

I did however survive the day, barely but we both made it out alive and this morning I was the first parent waiting for the doors to open and I came home and got to crawl back into bed.

What 2012 taught me

The last year has been one of the hardest so far and if I think back to a year ago today I never believed I would make it through, I never saw the strength I had or knew I had the determination to turns things around. I didn't know how the pain would subside, the anger would fade or how I would find happiness again and I never thought I would be able to raise a child on my own.

I lost everything so quickly and I gave up so much, at the beginning of 2012 I believed I had nothing and I was ready to never get up again.

But I couldn't because every morning when I woke up, I woke up to an innocent smile, a joyful laugh and the biggest, most beautiful blues eyes and I knew if not for me at least for him.

Happiness is a choice and how your life turns out is in nobody's hands but yours, strength doesn't come from life going well, its found when you in the darkest times and only you can climb your way out.

Success isn't having fancy cars or a big house and a wallet full of cash, its making something that you are proud of, success is when you can finally appreciate the little things in life and success is when you learn to love with no conditions.

Forgiveness is not for the one who hurt you, its for your own heart and your own peace, its so you can let go and move on, so you can no longer live in pain and resentment, forgiveness heals your soul.

Not only accepting who you are and what you have in life but being content in it and showing the people who matter that they are important so that every day, no matter how simple it is, it is lived to the fullest.

My life has changed, and once I thought I didn't want it to but now I can see why things happened the way they did. Today as I start 2013, I am stronger, I am smarter, I am kinder and I am more understanding, I love life no matter how hard it gets and I love more deeply, all the pain and all the heart ache and all the tears made me who I am today and I couldn't be more proud.

I am a single mom but I'm a damn good one, I lost one dream only to find a better one, friends walked away but gained so many more true ones, I gave up ever giving my heart to any one else only to have someone great walk into my life unexpected and accept me for who I am, I didn't appreciate family now I would never choose anything over them, I went from being selfish and wild and now I value my kindness and calmness of life, things change, life changes and I changed.

Certifiable

Some days I really don't know how I do all this.

Some days I just close my eyes and imagine I am sitting on a secluded beach, with an extremely strong cocktail in my hand and absolute silence.... this dream is normally broken by the sound of drums, stepping on a dinosaur leg or the putrid smell of my kids ass.

Some days I wonder how I am going to make it to the end of the month financially and curse the man who won't help raise his son.

Some days I think I could fall asleep standing up, the bags under my eyes are as obvious as a druggies and I hold back tears of exhaustion because it's only 2pm and it's still a good 6 hours till bedtime.

Some days I really think I could be going crazy because some days I just don't think I can do this.

As you can tell, I'm having one of those days.

I got maybe 4 hours sleep last night, and if it was 4 hours straight sleep I would be swinging off the roof tops but it's broken sleep and then wake up to a child that has decided his terrible two's is going to start early, my little monsters new thing is throwing himself to the floor and screaming when he doesn't get to do what he wants, between the temper tantrums which I simply walk away from because hells bells there's no way I'm putting up with that, there's his drums, he loves them and on a good day so do I, at 7am when I am trying to dress him for school and in between every item of clothing he rushes off to bang them with utter passion, this is when I loathe them, I also had a good cry when I realised our maid that we have let go has stolen my month's supply of wet wipes, a whole month!

It's only 8am and I'm already ready to climb back under the duvet and write this day off.

Then I remember why I do every thing I do, I count my blessings, put a smile on my face even if it's not a real one and I move on, fight harder and make the day a good one!