Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Thrive off Chaos

I have seen so many psychologists and shrinks in my short 23 years. No seriously a good few, I also been doped up on every anti-depressant you can think of. All just made me worse and I am sadly one of those people who truly don't like anti-depressants. I don't judge you if you do take them I've just been through a really shitty ride with doctors mis-diagnosing me and putting me on and off medication so much that I ended up full blown crazy and in a hospital.

Psychologists are good though and they can't just hand you a bag of pills and say go be a zombie and pretend your problems aren't there. This all being said, just remember I am an addict and can't for the life of me think why any trained professional would put me on schedule 7 anything.

Back to the point. I learned to major things from all that money and time spent and I try remember them all the time.

One - you can't change other people opinions, you can't make a person like you and why would you want to.
This was a result of my ex-ex's mother who absolutely hated me and made my life miserable. No seriously, ever watched "Monster in Law" that lady had nothing on this woman, but we forgive and forget and it's so not the point.

This one I have seriously taken in and actually applied in my life since I heard it. I don't try to please other people, I accept peoples opinion and if I don't agree I quietly nod my head say "ja" and move on. Now Claire and Kay, stop laughing. They would call this the bitch in me but it's also why they love me so.

Two - my one doctor looked at me and said "You thrive off Chaos." Can anybody shout BINGO, lights flashing, drum rolls and all sorts of other awesome images came crashing through my head. I'm not crazy, or depressed or manic or anxious, I just don't like being bored. He said that response was not exactly what he wanted and proves his theory of me. I've never been to another head shrink since that day. I know whats wrong with me, I simply thrive off chaos.

This was his definition of what this means in my life:

When life becomes easy and I am happy for to long, I create or push myself into situations that are hard, crazy and even detrimental to me being alive. I can't choose good men because they would bore me by being supportive and standing by me and I'd probably end up crushing a good man because I would push him to see just how far I could. This creating a bad man which I wouldn't put up with because I deserve the good man. I make the same mistakes over and over because I enjoy sorting things out and solving problems and I know I can. I did drugs because I just wanted to see if I could fight addiction. I've always wanted to travel or go to boarding school or live far away from home because settling down is my biggest fear and I just need to know if I can survive without the people I love the most. When I party, I party hard because anything less than stupid and dangerous just wouldn't be fixable. I am great at getting what I want because I'll simply just take it and if it causes problems or hurts others I'll just fix it because that's what I am good at. I basically will always search for happiness and something better because I thrive when things are going wrong  and I have no purpose when I am not needing to be strong.

I think I paid the guy over R1000 for an hour to tell me all that and basically curse me for life with the fact that I'm good at living in shitty circumstances.

All this I know, and maybe a lot of things I could of avoided in my life. Maybe I do choose shitty men on purpose, maybe they just excite me. Maybe I do look for things to solve. Maybe I do things just to find out if I can make it through.

Don't worry I'm not going to tell you I fell pregnant on purpose, he said I push boundaries not that I am beyond stupid!

And to be completely honest this chaos has broken me, I don't really fell like I am making it through and if I am just barely. I'm counting down the weeks to my baby like it's going to be over once this pregnancy is over but in actual fact, it's only just beginning. I now have a situation of chaos for life and I don't feel like I'm thriving. Right now, as much as normal isn't me. Give me a husband and a mortgage and a 9-5, I'll create some chaos in that life.

This life is just a mess.

1 comment:

  1. It really sounds like you aren't in a good space at all right now :( I hope it passes and you find your happy space again.

    Hang in there xoxox