I have always been honest on my blog, I have found people love my honest side, those who don't simply don't read my blog. Lately I haven't been letting my soul out, mostly because right now I have no idea where to start to unravel all the shit in my life to even write about it.
I also know there are people reading my blog who I know are just there to attack me and enjoy watching my son and mines life's fall apart.
There is a deeper story, there always is isn't there.
I have been so scared to write about everything and say all that's been happening because I am embarrassed to have fallen into such a life. I wasn't raised in this kind of environment and I hate the fact that my child has to be part of it.
My last post I wrote a letter to my son, it was an apology letter to him for all the pain that he will experience thanks to all of the adults making stupid decisions in his life. I got a comment, a horrible one, from anonymous of course and a lot of it was a lie.
So I'm going to make it all clear. I am going to tell my story, my version, my view point and that's that. If you don't like it don't read my blog and if you hate me surely you have something better to do with your time than read about my life. I won't be offended, really I won't. I know my readers, I love my readers and my readers love me and they have always high fived my honesty.
So here it goes.
Love is blind. It really is.
I met a guy at my best friends wedding, he was the best man, I was a bridesmaid, he was in a relationship and I lived in Cape Town. We started talking on Facebook, I knew his story. It goes something like this, his chicky fell pregnant at 18 and when that baby was 3 months she buggered off and he raised her by himself, she came back a year later and fell pregnant again, but nobody knew the paternity of that baby. Turned out she was also his. She has been in and out of there lifes the whole time and has never worked to support them.
Okay, I'll admit our talking turned into flirting but I was on the other side of the country and there relationship was hardly one to begin with. I never got involved with him or touched him while he was in a relationship. They broke up and I moved back to Joburg because my granny had cancer. We got together. She attacked me physically and her and all her friends threatened me constantly on social media. I fell pregnant, I refused to have an abortion and I was left to face it alone.
D came back about 3 months later, only to walk back into the mother of his girls arms and I spent my pregnancy watching the father of my child be with someone else. I also carried on receiving threatening messages including a few where she threatened to kill my son. I cried myself to sleep every night and some nights I still do.
We were friends though, during my pregnancy, we spoke all the time and I was forgiving and understanding because I have always wanted my child to know his father.
We all warned him, we told him people don't change, he didn't listen and guess what she fell pregnant with child number 3, whether she did it on purpose or not the fact remains she doesn't even look after the two she already has. She left again because they weren't sure of paternity again.
D and I got close and were spending a lot of time together and enjoying the birth of our son. I chose that I couldn't live with the uncertainty, the instability and I was scared of being left again when the other child came around.
D's other son was born 2 weeks ago and he took in the boy and his mother because else that little boy will have nothing and will be in a bad situation.
My son will watch his father raise and pay for his other kids, he will feel he is not good enough and constantly ask why. I live with that pain every day.
I have never even cheated on a spelling B, never mind be the "other woman" who breaks up a good relationship and sure as hell not a married man. I was simply a girl who fell in love with a boy who told me there was no relationship, who told me it was over, who promised me the world.
Am I innocent in all this, no, none of us are, but I am dealing with the consequences of my actions. I could have taken the easy road, I could of had an abortion, I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after he was conceived but I didn't. I went through pregnancy alone, I had my heart broken time and time again, I am now a single mom raising my son on my own, emotionally, physically and financially.
If anybody dares to think I don't regret certain decisions, if anybody thinks I don't feel the pain, if anybody thinks I don't know what I did wrong, they are sadly mistaken.
But not for one second do I regret having Aiden, I do not feel sorry that he is here no matter what the situation is because I love him more than life it self. I would die for him in a second. I have made mistakes but I am here standing and taking responsibility for them, on my own.