I only have 10 weeks to go and if I decide to go for a C-section like I'm really considering it will only be 8 weeks. For the most part I'm content with everything and at peace with my situation but I keep thinking about how I am going to explain this mess to a child. I will only allow him to read any of this when he is much, much older and hopefully by then I haven't completely screwed him up but for now this is what I feel.
There is nothing but the truth, there is no hiding what really happened, I can't pretend this was all meant to happen and I can't tell you, that your father and I made the right decisions. Most people know how this all came about and the story of my pregnancy and most of it I have made public so far.
I do wish I could keep you from the truth, I wish I could put you in a bubble and protect you from all the mistakes I've made, all the mistakes your father has made. People are going to say things, nasty things. They are going to judge you, me and your dad. They might be mean and you might not understand what they are saying when it happens but just know I love you, your dad loves you and most of all God loves you.
When I look back now, I wish I listened to everybody, I wish I understood the love I have for you, I wish I knew the feeling of this bond that I can never let go of and never live without. I never listen to anybody, it's not a good thing so if you like me in that regard please try not to be. I was stubborn and scared and lost and I felt things that I will always regret feeling.
Your dad to, he hides his emotions just as much as I do and I know he regrets the things he did and said, he's made up for it so don't listen to what other people tell you. I already know who will try and tell you, they will try make it sound like it was all his fault but it wasn't, don't be angry at him, don't blame him, he loves you and is so excited for your arrival. We made mistakes together and were both in the wrong at some point.
As much as this is all changing my life, and I am terrified of getting it all wrong, I wouldn't take any of it back, people are going to be really mean, you might hear along the way you were a mistake, that we didn't want you, that people think you have irresponsible parents. It's not the truth not by a long shot.
The truth is, your daddy and I had a whirl wind romance and were caught up in having somebody to love after both being in bad relationships that things moved so quickly and before we knew it you were knocking on my tummy. It was sudden and a shock to both of us, we were scared of our families responses and what the world would think We were angry at ourselves, never at you. We were ashamed of ourselves, never of you. We were mad at each other and all that happened was never towards you it was just a result of fear and being lost and unprepared for what was to be.
So please don't listen to all the stories, never believe what some might say because the only mistake I made was not being able to give you all that I wanted to right from the beginning. I don't know what the future holds, but I am sorry I can't give you a conventional family, I am truly sorry your dad and I never worked out but we are friends and we will always do everything in our power to give you stability and as much love as our hearts can.
We made mistakes and I wish they would never affect you but they are going to, I know they will, and I would do anything to take that pain and hurt away but always know I love you more than anything in the world and you will probably only understand that love once you have a child of your own. I would never take anything I did back if it meant loosing you.
You've stolen my heart and you haven't even arrived yet.