Life, Death and Love in between

You don't face that many life or death situations, or at least you shouldn't. When it's you in the situation you kind of just hit survival mode and do what needs to be done but when it hits some one you love and you in the middle of it, it takes a whole new life of it's own.

I've been through it twice with my father, once when he has 11 blood clots go through his lungs and then once when he had a heart attack of some sort and I had to help get him to the hospital. It really is an outer body experience. How the movies portray it is actually pretty accurate. The whole world slows done and becomes a blur around you, colours mix together and the only thing absolutely clear and that makes sense is you and the person you love. At that moment nothing else matters, nobody else matters, voices can't be heard and all sound like a slur of deep sounds pushed into slow motion and thrown at you with people pulling and tugging you and all you want is that one person who at that moment you know might not be there if you come out of this daze. It's safer in the blurry world in the mess where nothing else exists except this love you know you can't live without.

I never want to feel that again when it comes to Aiden. I have never been so scared and so desperate for anything bigger than me to save us. I've heard so many stories about cot deaths and miscarriages in pregnancy as late as 7 months and where the baby dies a few days after birth when I woke up to see blood, my whole world started to spin. I knew I wasn't in labour because I hadn't felt a contraction so I knew something was wrong as I had been in so much pain the night before.

My sister and I were the only people home as my folks had gone on holiday and my grandparents had decided to spend the week away. I didn't want to wake my sister up because she had a cycle test at school and I didn't want her to miss it so I took my phone out her room, that's where I've been sleeping lately, and tried to call my mom to find out what I must do. The answer was simple, go straight to the hospital and my sister heard me talking and didn't really give me an option other than, screw the cycle test.

I still don't even remember driving myself to the hospital, I don't remember taking a parking ticket or locking the car, all I know is they sent me right to the labour ward. I remember thinking why they sending me to the labour ward, I'm not having a baby now, I'm no where near ready to have a baby and my sister, she's not ready to watch me have a baby. It's the longest walk ever, it's on the opposite end of the damn hospital and I had to go to like 5 desks before finding the right one.

I remember telling the nurse, something is wrong, blood, pain, 30 weeks pregnant, help. She calmly told me we busy changing shifts someone will help you now. No chairs to sit on and nurses everywhere and they busy swopping shifts. I wanted to scream at the top of my voice. I wanted to tell them if anything happened to my baby I would hunt them down and they would definitely take notice of me then.

Eventually I get some help and I get a bed and they put the monitor on for my baby's heart beat. The minute I heard that heart beat, everything started making sense again. I got to listen to his beautiful heart beat for 30 minutes.

My doctor comes in to do an overall check, the problem with my doctor he is always so positive and never wants to make me panic so he always kind of down plays things. As he's telling me I have to get tests done and stay in the hospital for 24 hours to be monitored in case of pre-mature labour and that my cervix is softening, which apparently is only supposed to happen when you go into labour. On top of that we just going to give you a cortisone shot to fasten he lung development and pills to strengthen you and baby Aiden further.

All this and I must remain as calm and stress free as possible. 24 hours is a long time, when you worrying about the life of your child, while you listen to woman down the hall screaming while in labour and you all alone because the only person who is allowed to be with you all day is the father of your baby but mine doesn't actually give a shit about me and is busy packing for his vacation with his girlfriend.

I made it through though, I made it through because of amazing friends love and prayer. I'm out of the hospital and I am on bed rest for as long as possible. I'm on medication that makes me feel like complete and absolute death. I actually fear taking anymore tablets buts it's strengthening little Aiden as my doctor doesn't think I'll make it through to my 40 weeks.

I'm not allowed to lift my hands above my head, lift anything vaguely heavy, drive in traffic or far distances. I'm not allowed to stand for longer than 10 minutes and then he said "and no intercourse" at first I was so confused, I kind of had to think about what he was saying to me. Then he looked confused, like this is how you ended up this way! I had to laugh at that point, I said, that won't be a problem, I can't even get the father to visit me in hospital.