Monday, September 26, 2011

Pretending is a full time job

I'm fine, I'm always fine, that's just me. I'm brilliant at looking fine, putting a smile on my face and getting things done. I rarely stress...on the outside, I stress internally which is probably terrible for my health because my body eventually makes me slow down.

I have surrounded myself with all things baby, getting the nursery done and writing list after list for the party. Make sure my weekends are full with youth and church and chores and things that have to get done. I make sure I'm never alone, that way I don't have to think about things. I've blocked people from getting to close so they don't ask the questions I don't want to even think about never mind answer. Surrounded myself with people who are new and don't know the ins and outs of the real story of whats going on that way I can pretend that this isn't such a royal fuck up.

I am about to have a baby, yes I have come to terms with this fact, I am even excited to meet my son and I love him more than words can ever say. I do not regret him and wouldn't take any of this back just because I can't imagine not having him in my life but honestly I know for a fact this is only the beginning of a long war of maintenance issues, lawyers, family feuds and battling to not have to let my son go to where I know is unsafe.

I have been on bed rest and so have spent a lot of time on my own and with nothing to do. I shouldn't be back at work but I can't sit with myself for another hour. I will go insane and I will break down. I have never been so ashamed and embarrassed by my choices and I don't even know where I am going to begin to explain to my son that it's not as bad as it looks. I was tricked, I was lied to, I was manipulated, I was a fool and I believed it all. For the first time I become a notch on some guys belt, he never loved me and he never cared, he's just  stuck with me forever now but he does love you, Aiden and for that I will suffer the consequences of my actions and I will take any judgement and stigma that comes with it.

You all thinking how could I want my son to see this, read this, some things have changed over the last little bit that has changed everything. There is no way around any of it anymore. If my son only see's the truth that others have created around us without me knowing then he will be just as embarrassed as I am about who he's mother is or what others have made me seem to be.

A lot of people ask why I defend him so, why after all he's done and said do I stand up for him and fight for him to be there. Why no matter how bad it seems to get and how many more lies are uncovered do I still want him around because I know that's what is best for my son. He has a father that loves and wants to be there, even if's it for a year or two years or five, I know I tried, I know I never took away something that every child needs. One day he can make his own decisions about what has been done and said but I am not making those choices for him. I don't have a perfect father either but I love him no matter what and would die for him in a second, that love is unconditional and my son deserves that.

I also don't love him or want him back or would I ever take him back. So there is no emotional ties of heart break and wishing he sweeps me off my feet and after this last weekend I am 200% sure of this and am no longer a fool to anybody involved in any of this. He took my heart and threw it away, they took my trust and didn't respect it, I will willingly let them into my home and life to help raise and love Aiden but only over my dead body will anybody take him away from me.

1 comment:

  1. You are the better person by allowing his dad to be part of his life. I can’t imagine how hard it is. I take my hat off to you Jess.

    How are you feeling healthwise?