Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Sometimes it's hard to find the light

I know what you all thinking already, one day you'll realise it was all worth it, you'll never regret it, all the pain, anger, hurt, resentment, confusion and sorrow doesn't even come close to the love you'll have for your son.

Right now I can't do this, I don't want this, not like this, I don't want my son born in this mess, it's not fair on him and I'm supposed to be making all these decisions on what is best for Aiden when I am still trying to figure out my own life. I'm still trying to find my own way and what I want and now I have to make all these decisions for someone else's life and I'm just going to fuck it all up.

I never wanted children because I never wanted marriage. I don't see how love can last forever and even if it does how long are you really happy for. I never wanted children in divorce or in an unhappy family. I never wanted them to feel that pain and confusion. That sense of doubt. That feeling like one of there parents don't love them as much or maybe that it's there fault that it all turned out that way.

How did I get here. How did I end up fucking up so badly that I became a single mother the minute I fell pregnant. Why did I get this way with a guy who cared so little for me, that he could walk away in the first place.

I am so tired. I am so tired of thinking and wondering and trying to figure out what is right for Aiden and what is not. Surnames, maintenance, visitation and and and. Can you all just leave me alone. I don't know the answer and why should I tell you the answer anyways you just going to disagree with me anyways.

I am so tired of trying to make everyone happy and trying to stop disappointing everybody, it's like nobody thinks how hard this is for me in my head, in my heart, just because I'm smiling on the outside doesn't mean I'm smiling on the inside. Just because I get along with everyone and have forgiven everyone doesn't mean that I couldn't shout and scream and punch people till they can feel just a drop of the pain and fear I feel.

Just because I can organise party's and make fantasy frikken nursery's and organise everybody's life and get everything done and still work and manage to look good 8 months pregnant doesn't mean on the inside it's all so neat and tidy.

Today as much as it's wrong to say, I can't see the light. I don't even want to try. I want to rewind to last year this time, when my biggest heartache was wishing my friend the best in America and having weeks of farewell parties and looking at the bottom of a jager bottle.


  1. I'm not even going to try imagine what you are going through Jess. Pregnancy is such a rollercoaster couple of months. It is hard! I don't blame you for feeling this way. Big ((Hugs))

    I hope you feel better soon xoxox

  2. I dont want to sound like a cliche or down play your feelings but honestly pregnancy F8CKS you up!!!!!!

    The last few weeks with Jack I honestly have never felt so deeply and darkly depressed. I didn't want to be pregnant. I didn't want any of the life I had and I have a pretty great life. It was all just too much and too horrible.

    So vasbyt chick. Once baby is here you are too sore and love struck to have time to feel down :-)


  3. I know a lot of it is pregnancy, I cried yesterday over everything even at things I normally laugh at...I do know that I want to have one more baby with a husband just so I can feel what it's like to have someone there :)

    Thanks for the encouragement