Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Why? OH Why?

Patience is a virtue that I never received. I actually don't think any of us have it in my immediate family but we all lack it in different area's, I however lack it in general. The only place I think I might be more patient is when it comes to queues, traffic and waiters. That sort of thing.

On top of lack of patience, is my high levels of being easily irritated this maybe being a result of having no patience. So incompetence, selfishness, nagging, lateness, constant questions and just possibly invading my space when I haven't allowed you in makes me go insane. 

I deal with this frustration by shutting down, being rude, pushing you away and then at some point exploding and then all hell breaks loose and then I am a plain awful human being.

Now although all this is true, don't get it confused with the fact that if I don't have a kineke with you or we don't connect or I don't let you in because very few do, it's not because I'm irritated with you or angry or I don't like you or a result of my lack of patience, I'm just not a chit-chatter, I'm terrible at small talk and I'm often in my own head and I actually haven't noticed you or I think I have said hello already.

Now if you take that part of my personality and attack it and tell me I'm rude because I'm a dreamer or because I don't jump up and down for joy when I see you, or I break your heart because I don't give you enough details about my life and I don't talk to you enough, that patience problem I was telling you about comes into play.

This all explains why I am feeling the way I am feeling at the moment, I think I might explode, why can't people just leave you alone. I'm not talking about everybody, I'm talking about people you might see a lot but aren't actually friends with, family who can actually qualify as strangers, friends who seemingly can't understand the word busy or I'll let you know and just in general does it look like I'm coping with my own life, do you honestly think I have any part of me left to deal with your heart ache, your problems with me, the guilt you so gladly drop at my feet and whether or not I say hello with a fucking smile on my face. 

If you ask me "How I'm doing?" every week and every time my answer is "Fine", if I have never opened up to you more than that, if you feel I never let you into who I am, if you feel I jump for joy and am super talkative with some people and not with you, chances are I'm always going to be just "Fine" with you, not because I'm rude or a bitch simply because I have been hurt so bad in the past the amount of people I let in are so few and far between you would be surprised I have any friends.

Oh and it doesn't mean I'm not your friend, or that I don't love you, it's just who I am. I build walls to protect myself, I could just be day dreaming and not all together on the same planet as you at any given time and that I might just never talk about my problems with you or tell you my deep, dark, dirty and juicy secrets but I'll gladly talk about music over dinner with you and don't feel bad there is only one person who knows everything I'm going through when I'm going through it. Who knows all my feelings and can tell you when I'm sad or angry just by looking at me and that's my darling sister.

This is probably going to make sense to no one, and will go over certain heads and I'm still going to feel like this next week because some people in this world are just oblivious to anybody else's feelings and life's and because for some strange reason if I don't call enough during the week, or greet you with a big cheesy ass smile and because I don't pour out my soul every time you ask how I am then I have broken your heart. I'm a selfish friend. I don't like you or some other bizarre concept, it can't possibly because I'm quiet and reserved or just tired or pre-occupied or 8 months pregnant or trying to reconstruct my life that fell to pieces or maybe yeah not everybody likes everybody who cares, I'm not supposed to make you happy you are!

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