Thursday, August 18, 2011

Breakdown No# 5 or 10 or maybe 100

Remember last week I was saying how I could feel an emotional break-down coming, that a lot of it was due to my over emotional pregnancy side coming back to haunt me and my loved ones. Then the rest of it is honestly due to my growing fear as it's literally 3 months left to go on Saturday - I really wish Tequila was allowed during pregnancy.

Since that post I have had maybe 5, maybe a whole lot more, breakdowns of various sorts. I have tried my hardest not to have them around other human beings and even took one out on my teddy (D gave it to me, it has a heart that says "I Love You", the heart isn't attached anymore).

Saturday D came over again to help with the nursery, really I can't complain about him, maybe that's what upsets me so much is that he actually is a good guy but he did a great job at screwing things up. He really does try and is pulling his weight compared to other men, who are happy to never see the illegitimate child or are happy with every second weekend. D is a rare exception, but a rare exception of all sorts and drives me insane beyond belief. Maybe it's because he just didn't want ME, I've never really felt no being wanted, by lots just not by my lovers. I've always done the leaving....anyways I'm getting side tracked. All was fine but at some point I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't deal with the smiling and the laughing and the excitement of Peanut. I went to my room and cried, my sister saw this and followed. At that point I just wanted it to all go away, I didn't want my baby, I didn't want to be pregnant and single, I didn't want D to be my friend, I just wanted to disappear.

I've cried myself to sleep every night for the past week.

I snapped at my sister and ruined the start to her day when I took her to school the other day.

I made my mom feel guilty for visiting her brother who is here from Scotland for only a week because I didn't want to be home alone.

I cried all the way to fetch my sister in the car, not caring about gawking strangers in the cars next to me.

I didn't want to go home after fetching my sister, she did, else who knows where we would of ended up.

I cried in the bath last night.

I want to cry right now.

I'm trying not to kill people who come near me.

I just want to get back into bed and sleep this all away.

I still can't believe I got myself into this situation.

I love my son but I still wish this wasn't happening right now.

1 comment:

  1. I get this! Honestly I do!

    I cried these same tears when I was pregnant with Jack and he was planned.

    Life isnt always pretty and perfect. Some days just need tears and lots of them!