Go have a look, if you like me I'm pretty sure you will love and adore her.
The Hospital Checklist
I am done having babies.
I will (probably) never again feel the familiar wave of nausea roll over me and see the bright blue lines appear on a positive pregnancy test.
I will (most likely) not be found shopping for bottles or pacifiers or infant car seats to be used by my own precious offspring.
And, I’m (pretty) confident that I will never again make a hospital checklist.
So, as a former member of the expectant-mother-club, I consider it my duty to impart my knowledge onto the new breed of yet-to-be mothers.
I present you with the hospital checklist I’d make, if I were having another baby. (Which, despite my raging baby fever, I am 99.9 percent positive I don’t want. And, no, this is not my way of telling you that I’m pregnant. I’m not. Not even a little.)
Here you go…
• The No Shit, Sherlock items: The picture perfect outfit to take the baby home in, car seat, camera etc. Duh.
• A roll of good quality toilet paper or wipes. That first pee after giving birth is brutal. Hospital grade toilet paper feels like sandpaper and you don’t need that rubbing against your bruised lady parts. Trust me.
• An extra bag. You’ll be sent home with diapers, wipes, formula, and more. It’s like a new mother’s Halloween! Make sure you can schlep all of your loot or you’ll be kicking yourself the next week at Babies”R”Us. That crap is expensive.
• Shampoo, conditioner and body wash. The first shower you take after you give birth will be the best shower of your life and the hospital products suck.
• A Blindfold. For yourself. Girlfriend, you are going to look like hell. Better just not to see it.
• Food. You’re going to be starving and hospital food is revolting. Stock your fridge with all the stuff you haven’t been able to eat in 9 months. And, make sure to lock it from your husband. He’s eaten enough.
• Extra strength maxi pads. The ones at the hospital haven’t changed in a century. Seriously, they practically have belts. A box of extra strength Always will be one of the best investments you make.
• Maternity yoga pants. It’s total bullshit, but you will leave the hospital looking as pregnant as you went in. It’s tragic, but true.
OK, moms: What did I leave out?