Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

~Mark Twain

I found this quote at the beginning of all this and I always come back to it on my bad days. It's so true and I have proof of it.

I'm not a forgiving person normally, or I am but I am an angry person who is brilliant at holding a grudge. If you have wronged me in any way I normally let you know it over and over again. I'm sarcastic so I can even do it in a way where you don't even know I'm being mean. I'm good at guilt trips. I'm good at at causing the same pain that has been caused on me. 

It's not because I'm a horrible person, you all do it or feel it, you just don't admit it for the world to see. It protects me. It's my form of justice. You hurt me once, extra walls are placed securely all around me and you'll never get in again. 

I don't know why or how but the minute D walked out on me I CHOSE to forgive him, I CHOSE not to be angry or bitter. I CHOSE not to take revenge. I CHOSE to be nice. I CHOSE to take his nasty words and let them slide. I CHOSE to let him be part of his child's life when he was ready. I CHOSE to love his family. 

I CHOSE that a fathers love for his child and a child's need for that love was more important and bigger than any of my pain and resentment. I CHOSE my love for my child was worth the sacrifice to let go of D and his mistakes, to forget my heart ache and my betrayal so that my child can have as much love as possible in his life. 

Is it easy?  No 

Do I understand it? No

Do I sometimes want to punch him till he feels the pain he caused me? Yes

Do I cry? Yes

Do I wish he didn't do what he did? Yes

Do I sometimes want to spite him? Yes

Do I sometimes wish he never came back? Yes

It hurts like you can't believe just thinking about how it all happened, I still don't know why he chose what he chose. I ask myself what was wrong with me, what don't I have that she does. I still ask "what if." I am worried how this is all going to work out and how I'm going to fit another whole family into my life.

I do know that my forgiveness, my reaction towards his anger has calmed what could of been a really bad situation. I do know my choice in loving him despite his rejection has softened his heart and his current choices. I do know my son his going to love his father unconditionally and I never want to be the reason he doesn't get the love he needs from having a father.