Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Door Mat

I fell into such a slump the last few weeks, in the end I didn't even want to be around me. I could blame it on pregnancy but that would be a lie. I know myself to well, I am moody, extremely moody, it runs in the family.

I started playing victim again, I'm not a victim, I was stupid, I got knocked up and the man left. It happens all the time. It's not right but shit happens and then you deal with it and in the end all this is going to make sense and the pain and anger will all have been worth it and maybe one day, far, far into the future you will even laugh about it without the laughs turning into cries.

That is my mantra. I tell myself that quite often, doesn't always work but it is actually the truth.

I will give myself a little bit of slack because I have been over doing it and allowing everyone be involved in everything and listened way to much to peoples opinions. One thing I have definitely learnt through all this is if you don't like family politics, gossip, scandal, being the center of attention and people all trying to have a piece of you, don't have a child out of wedlock. It's exhausting!

What I do know is this. I want D in Aiden's life, I have said this and believed this from day one, even when he was mean and nasty and wishing it all away. We get along really well and are actually good friends despite the circumstances. I don't want to fight and have a custody battle, I don't want Aiden not to have his real father love him and show him the ropes.

However, if I look back on the last 6 months, I took niceness and forgiveness a little to far and have turned into a door mat, I'm not a door mat, I've never been one and I am not going to turn into one. As much as I want D in Aiden's life, I will not beg, run after or cry over the situation anymore because truth be told, I'm not actually in love with the guy, we were together 2 months, if I wasn't pregnant I wouldn't even have given him a second thought when we broke up.

We having a child together and for my son I will love and respect D, I will play nice and fair and I really pray that it remains the way it has been going over the last few months but it will be by my rules and when I am ready to do things and allow things. As long as it is a good and healthy environment for my son I am happy but it is not my job to make D happy and comfortable. He walked out and he must walk in and do what needs to be done to show he means it. Not me.

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