Drowning

I'm really struggling at the moment, with everything and everyone, not sure why I just am. I feel like I'm drowning, I can't find my way out, above the water's surface. Everything seems to be becoming a blur and everybody is screaming for me to come back but I don't want to.

It's quiet here, in my own head, blocking everybody out. It's easier, it's less painful and I don't need to face what I should be facing. I know I'm going to loose people this way, I always do. I push new friends away when they get to close and people I know forever know me well enough to know to just leave me alone, I'll find my way out eventually. It's not really fair on them though is it.

I guess my biggest reason for feeling this way is everybody's need to now the drama of my life. Not how I'm really doing or how Peanut is doing but the soap opera part of my life. It drives me insane normally now it just depresses me. One question that seems to float everybody's damn boat is, "What surname is he going to have?" I hate this question, especially from people who are just for the most part acquaintances's and the look they give me when I tell them, both, and D's is last.

Why it should concern them is beyond me, why it's a big deal I just don't understand. It's my decision and mine alone, I've made it so please just leave it the fuck alone.

Another thing, I can't do everything, I can't see everybody, phone everybody and sort everybody's life's out anymore. I just can't. I know I carry small but I actually am 7 months pregnant, my life is a train wreck and I have my own shit to deal with. I hate people making me feel guilty that I don't visit them at least once a week and call them another hundred times. I can't make church every Sunday and Youth on Friday nights is tiring to say the least. I can't go to party's anymore, my body is tired for days. I don't want to talk about shit all the time, read my blog and when you with me, please just let me smile and laugh and forget about things for just a while.

Everybody seems to want answers, answers to everything and I don't have them. I don't know what's going to happen with everything, I don't know the fine details. All I know is I'm having a baby in 12 weeks and I just wish there was someone who would just make me smile - I don't want anything else at the moment.